the SCALE of design

Hello Beautiful readers,

It has taken me a minute to tell this part of my story. I got the photo shoot pictures back almost two weeks ago and I kept putting it on the bottom of the “to do” list. But, here we go…

Most people who know me know that I love everything that has to do with fitness and healthy living. Which is true, but until 3 years ago, 75 percent of my why was built around a deep insecurity to look a certain way. "It’s healthy living” slowly, over time, became my mantra. However, it was built on a shaky, insecure foundation. 

From the moment I understood what a SCALE was I started standing on its answers. Y’all know the one I’m talking about. The machine that makes you believe after 3 seconds ‘what you look like, what you feel like, who you will date, what jeans you will wear, what type of hairstyle would be best… if you would ever get married.’ The machine that strangely has so much power to decide who we are… Yeah, that one. It’s kinda comical if you think about it. I remember at one point buying a PINK scale… like bedazzling it would make it “more fun.”… and we can do the same thing with our insecurities and hurts, if we bedazzle them, “it won’t hurt as much or it will hide what we really think about ourselves”…

Well, I was someone who always thought I looked bigger than I was. I set a goal for myself in Jr. High that I wouldn’t ever weigh more than 118 pounds… in college that weight changed to 125 pounds. Everyday, I would sneak into my parents’ bathroom and weigh myself.

I say this with heightened sensitivity, but I followed a similar pattern of someone who might struggle with bulimia. 

[Bulimia- ‘An emotional disorder involving distortion of body image and an obsessive desire to lose weight.’] 

I had a false image of myself and was low key obsessive to maintain a certain weight. Though some of those goals could be healthy, mine were not. I remember once in high school, I tried throwing up after a large meal…. but I wasn’t successful. I sat on my bathroom floor and had an honest conversation with the Lord and myself. He met with me in that moment. I remember it so clearly because it was the first step to a new mindset…. I never tried something like that again. After that moment, my relationship with God grew. I was focused on working toward healthy living vs. a toxic mindset. 

During my first year at college, I noticed my health was drastically weak and my hormones were all over the place. I made an appointment with the doctor and found out that I had a very serious thyroid condition. 

This makes me feel old, but 13 years ago thyroid issues weren’t as common or at least not made public as much as they are now. Learning how our bodies function without medication wasn’t well known. For example, “gluten free” and “soy free” didn’t really exist. 

The thyroid is an amazing part of the human body. It’s located in the neck and though it has some commonalities, it also has some different effects for each person because we are all individually made. But I won’t bore you with all the medical details about your thyroid. Basically, the thyroid is like your brain for all of your hormones. So when it’s out of whack, it can really make you feel like a crazy person haha. Maybe in the future I will post about that topic and walk through that journey with you. 

My thyroid was diagnosed HYPO - which means it’s slow and sluggish. Depression, lack of motivation, dry skin, WEIGHT GAIN (yep) are all side effects of it being slow and sluggish. Also, pregnancy was going to be interesting. Normally, your thyroid should be in the low numbers (2-4). Mine was in the 20s and at one point it was in the 40s. The higher the number, the worse the symptoms are. 

Let me help you paint the picture a little more. Have you ever had jet lag? For me, it’s basically like having jet lag ALL the time. And for someone who is always on the go, having my body tell me to stop and that I would have to fight to keep my numbers in balance for the rest of my life was a painful understanding. 

And then there was the weight gain…. I remember my doctor telling me that because my thyroid isn’t producing the same amount or enough endorphins as a ‘normal thyroid’, that was why I was experiencing weight gain. However, working out was something that I would have to fight for, but it would help produce the endorphins that would get me through your day. That would give me the energy that I would need. Also, if I could keep my numbers where they should be with medication, then it would only be maintaining. 

You could imagine the new determination to stay active. This is where my love for running came into the picture. Running was the fastest way for me to get energy. I would run 3-6 miles a day. 

I have an additional post about my journey through college and the ups and downs of stress and victories, relationships and goals that came with my battle both in my physical and emotional health. 

Fast forward to 3 years ago…. (So 8 years after college; I am only 30 haha for those wondering). Eight years I battled with a mindset that so desperately wanted to keep me captive. But I was determined that no weapon, not even the lies of a scale or lies of a distorted picture of myself, would prosper against the knowledge of Jesus Christ. 

I knew what Jesus thought of me. But dang, I didn’t know how to believe it. Especially when I would accomplish all the “right” health goals. Like consistently eating healthy (and enough) and exercising but still wouldn’t see results, or even more frustrating, I would gain weight. So, I would push myself to keep my thyroid where it should be, the scale where it should be, and work to make sure no one knew how tiring my mental image of myself was. Let alone ALLL the other crazy parts of my story. 

I know it might seem like a surprise, or maybe just interesting that this is a struggle. So you might ask, ‘What was the break through? What changed?’

Well, a couple of things: 

First, I started letting people know my struggle mentally. I would tell people about my thyroid issue. Since I wasn’t diagnosed util about 3 years ago, not many people knew I had a thyroid issue. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me and I didn’t want people to think I was weak. 

But there is power in your story. Telling your story is one of the best decisions you can make! Even if you have been hurt - don’t stop trying. Don’t stop sharing. Because in your story is freedom. Your story allows people to breathe hope into you and for you to breathe hope into others. I believe that Jesus is the hope of the world, but it’s through the image of the ones He created that we know Him. His story is the most powerful of them all. 

Second, I changed my why. Before, my why was only about me. Only 3 years ago, my why changed to Jesus. He is now my why. I am thankful for every minute of my story because I have learned so much about who God is. 

TIME is apart of breakthrough. Sometimes, we think breaking happens in an “insta” moment. I would submit that breakthrough is attached to discipline, and discipline takes time. I have never in my life met someone who went into the gym once, and was instantly fit…. Nope. It’s a lifestyle, intentional obedience, habits, saying yes when your body & mind say no, or saying no so you can achieve a greater yes. 

We need goals. And I’ll be the first one to meet you at the gym… but the WHY is what changed the outcome of my joy. Your WHY is what helps you decide that the scale is a tool of focus, not a dictator of design.Your WHY is what motivates your spirit to press into something bigger than you. Your WHY gives you strength to overcome the greater obstacles. 

I still have days where I need someone to push me, to remind me of the truth. Some days are harder than others, where I have to decide if it’s a thyroid day… but my story is that I am no longer bound by a lie. 

Be encouraged by this. You are all beautifully and wonderful made! 

Love,

Kandisjoy